a note to self, a note to you


I hope since we last spoke you’ve had time to rest. I hope your rest was welcomed. I’ve been resting with coronavirus, and to be honest, the rest was very unwelcomed. I, like many of us, have spent the year thinking I haven’t done enough. Being stuck inside and when we’ve been allowed out, thinking I need to be productive with every second. It’s a bit wild to think that burn out caught me, even after spending so much time in lockdown. I have been exploring the idea that I am addicted to stimulation. I am now, in this unwanted resting period, learning how to widen the gap between stimulus and response. As a human working in a competitive field, and as a woman, I often find myself thinking that I am not allowed to say no to opportunity – even if I come to that opportunity exhausted.

My gap I am trying to build between stimulus and response is a deeper understanding and analysis of whether this is the type of stimulation that I actually want. Learning how to put my energy into the appropriate response feels a bit like the seasons changing; specifically, winter to spring. I feel like am thawing. Transforming into something else based on nothing more than my circumstance and time. If 2020 has taught me anything it is that being able to make this transformation is necessary. There are many things to unpack about feeling the need to be everything to everyone (my version of being productive), but for now I will just say that as we end the year and as all of your social media feeds are filled with people sharing all that they’ve accomplished despite the pandemic – your energy might be better spent inwards, thawing. Being open to new changes, exploring what there was to be grateful for in the great freeze that was the entirety of 2020, and allowing everything unnecessary to melt away. In this new year, which does not have to be the catalyst of something great, I urge you to remember that you stimulate yourself with your passions, your loved ones, your interests, goals and ambitions, your response to those does not need to be based on anyone else (or what their 2020 wrap looks like). Be thoughtful with your response, be thoughtful with yourself.

I am grateful for the many new humans who have entered my life this year. I am grateful for the opportunities that have presented themselves. I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned in navigating this role as a full-time freelancer. I am grateful for the honesty I show myself when I feel excluded, hurt, misunderstood, and unliked. I know this is life-long learning. I know that I feel this way out of my need to be everything to everyone and that that is my responsibility to grow through in 2021 and beyond.

Happy New Year,

Love you all

Wishing you self-love,

Ang x

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